THE MADNESS BEGINS

It was only a short time ago that it began. It came silently without any kind of warning. It was a virus with unimaginable proportions that seems to strike this time of year. Approximately 15 days ago it was triggered by a single sound, the sound of a basketball landing on a hardwood floor. When triggered the virus mutates and spreads quickly. Any unsuspecting victim soon becomes consumed and is quickly overtaken by the disease. Within days that person is completely in its clutches.
It is called the Madness Virus. It does not discriminate between age, sex, or color. Some animals, mostly dogs, are not completely immune and have been known to become taken over by the virus.
As the disease progresses it begins to take over different parts of the mind. The infection begins in the cerebral cortex of the brain and works its way forward. Parts of the spine are also affected and patients have been known to have uncontrollable urges to pick up a basketball and dribble for days without stopping. As the disease inches into other parts of the brain the patient may look for any kind of hoop to throw the ball through. One documented case had a patient throwing both the ball and himself into a large round vat of beer at a local brewery during a dunking contest. (It is said that alcohol stimulates the disease 100 fold.)
Two weeks after the victim has been infected, work becomes impossible. Trash cans, coffee pots, toilet bowls all become basketball goals. Walls and doors are suddenly blooming with small hoops with nets. Employers see sudden drops in production rates due to the disease spreading among his work force.
Six weeks into the epidemic, the Center for Disease Control says the brain is totally consumed by the virus. Tissue becomes different colors such as red, blue, green, black, purple and various other colors. Some patients have been known to take on the personalities of animals and other characters such as gophers, wildcats, something called a hoosier, blue devils (though some come in red as well), huskies, indians, wolverines, boilermakers and even a plant form called a buckeye. The CDC said that when the patient reaches this point the victim is close to being lost to all hope. It is recommended by the CDC that those infected be withheld from operating any type of vehicular device, especially golf carts. It was once reported that a patient dressed in a red hoosier sweatshirt hijacked a cart at a local course ran over three golfers wearing blue shirts with wildcat pictures printed on them. The driver of the cart was subdued and transferred to the psychiatric ward of a local hospital.

There is one ray of hope for victims infected by the madness. The CDC has learned from human testing that in early March that infected patients injected with a massive dose of the virus begin to show signs of a return of a more rational behavior. Two weeks after the large dosage has been delivered signs of the disabling disease begin to disappear. One side affect of the dosage, however, is something called bracketitis where the patient may scribble down the names of colleges across the country for hours without stopping. One man was documented to have betting the farm after writing on more than 300 sheets of paper before his family finally coaxed him out of his bathroom.
By late March, the CDC said nearly all symptoms of the disease pass. Families are brought together again as the epidemic subsides. Though a vaccine is being looked at as a preventative measure, the CDC warns the disease can return the following fall. The public is advised to be on guard at all times.